The time in between the miles.

It’s a long quest that has a lot of speed bumps and massive decisions. All that I can wish is that I choose the best way to deal with things to the best of my knowledge.

I don’t know what to write, this is so awkward.  I’ve spent the last week everyday wondering just what my next post will say.  All it used to take was just two seconds and I’d hit something worth writing about.  It would usually start with some basic idea or object and I would let it blossom into its own genuine story.

I treated it as a class, and every night my teacher would give me a prompt and I would go to town.

Now look at me, I’m just sitting here on my bed wondering just what to over analyze.  Well newsflash to myself, there isn’t a damn thing that needs such tyranny.  Maybe there needs to be a recess from this morbid diary of thoughts and past events.

Just maybe I need to put it to rest and move on and just live life.

Failure will blink in the back of my mind until I find something to write.

Now instead of writing, I will post that days designs.

This until the day I know what needs to be said again.

What if every action had an equal or greater consequence.

What if my choice to move away, hurt me more than added to me.

What if.

Today was a very slow day in my life.  I woke a immensely late this morning, which resulted with no time to prepare for school. I left my home today in a pair a dirty jeans and my pajama shirt from the previous night. I threw my hair up in a tattered pony tail, slapped on some make up, and made my way to school. Of course to make my morning run more smoothly my arm, which i had fried cooking a few days before, decided it was going to start blistering and causing intense pain throughout my entire limb. In a frantic rush to drop my sisters off at school on time and make my way to my chamber of hell, my mother hurried and wrapped my wound in gauze not giving it much time.

As my day proceeded, I arrived to school realizing I had forgot my breakfast and my stomach was already rumbling. I muffled the noise and pretended it wasn’t going on. First period appeared it was going to be interesting, sense we haven’t even talked about the class and it was going into the fourth day at school, and we were actually getting into the art of jewelry making today. The a hop skip and jump later (or 10 minutes into the class) all the seniors were told to make our way outside for our senior class pictures. So now not only I would remember the fact that i slept in to late to get ready for school but it will be remembered within the class pictures for eternity.

I just want to stop and say not only did I wake up extremely late this morning, but I also got absolutely no sleep that night. I was waking up all night for no reasons, and unable to fall back asleep.

I went to my second class of the day hoping for the best, because it has to be, its my favorite class. My negative prints came out perfectly, and my positive came right behind. I aced my project without a problem, then got to relax the rest of class. While in my resting, I realized I did not complete my homework from the night before in my following class.

Now my last class of the day, is the worst class. “Family and crisis.” I get to sit and listen to the teacher talk about all different types of family’s, saying which types are good and which types fall under “crisis.” According to my teachers views my family is FULL of crisis. I do not agree with this statement fully. I do not believe just because there is a step-parent in the household that a family should be flagged as “crisis,” I also do not believe if there’s separation in parents it should always be flagged as a “crisis” situation. Also I get to spend time out of my day listening to my teacher talk about young couples and the “crisis” involved with them. How most young couples do not make it in this world, and how divorce is a higher rate then success. Really I do not want to spend my time listening to someone talk about how our futures are going to turn out, and telling us what in our life is a crisis. Just because couples are young doesn’t mean they are going to fail, and not every couple is going to get divorced. I think teachers need to stop focusing on the bad parts in life and teaching us all about the bad, but start focusing on the good and helping us learn the wonders life can bring us.

As the day tugged along it managed to get even longer it was only just after noon and I managed to get into a tussle. With the tussle resolved I managed to relax, causing me to fall asleep and miss supper. Now four hours later and some food in the belly, I’m trying to clear my head from all the tangles of my late day and be capable to start an early night.

Good night and sweet dreams.

Once upon a time, I was sitting eating breakfast with a few people that were involved my life.  There were four of them, each holding a different position at this table.  One was very close, one was a new connection to my future, and the third was not very well known.  Each brought something unique “to the table.”  Each wanted a different thing from one another.  To convey the differences, two of these people held hands as the closest one opened with an argument…soon most followed…and…

There spawned a difference, and it was pivotal

What could possible come from the relationship in my life (that I currently am holding) & would it be positive and not life altering (to the negative side)…this was the pressing question.

At first I took offense to this accusation, just like what was expected of me.  I reacted like any other would react to a situation that their loved one’s relationship with themselves is in question.  I tried to guard what I cared about instead of being on attack to this ludicrous statement.

I will answer this question, right now.

What sets me apart from all the others at this table is that I AM ME. No one else, this defines that NO precedence causes for any accusations.  I set my own world within what is given to me by society, and it meets most of the ‘guidelines’, all except one.  Truthfully I believe that what people think is that everyone around them know best, when it comes to their.  This probably comes into play when it becomes a problem, but it will not stand in between my future and me.

Fuck, what kind of person would that makes me.

That’s what it really comes down to.

If I am expected to place every quality and thing I possess in my life according to the person next to me.

Fuck them.

Its how I feel at the end of the day that sculpts what the world looks like,

These are my eyes and my perceptions of everything from the grass I walk in, to the faces I see.

It’s my decisions that affect my ability to live my life to the best it can be, and I intend on making them to the best of my current standing (at the time).

It comes down to the fact that…

I take every piece of advice that is given to me and never let it become my decision of how to act, but rather a small weight into my process of my next move. That is what makes me feel like I can end each day with a light hold on my heart and begin each day as a new one.

We all have our own views this is it for me.

This is how I am going to live my life for as long as I am alive, because as long as I stay within reason and true to myself there is no point in my life that I will be weak enough to fall down. I may stagger from time to time, and need another, but without extenuating circumstances (drugs/violence) it will prove to be true.

Someone new to my life left me with advice that I had been muttering to myself for as long as I could feel for myself.

I just had no words to attach to these soft mutters’.

“Just follow your heart”

I love being sober from drugs, it keeps my mind as clear as it possibly can.  There are already enough points in life that leave you with the highest of highs, and sadly the lowest of lows.

Why speed up the process?

…So many points in life leave you with awkward and gross feelings, why do I need unnatural substances injected into the mix.

My eyes will cry, my body will shake, and my mind will stay cloudy as it is meant to.

Thank you, for being there and not stopping me…merely guiding me to the path that I can pave myself.  The bits of information that is given and the bits of information that are learned come together into a beautiful mosaic of life.

I’ll keep it this way.

This is the culprite.

Sitting on top of my armoire, is a taillight that goes to my 1999 Kia Sephia. It fits to the passenger side, and is meant to replace a cracked version of itself that currently resides on my vehicle at the moment. I’ve possessed this lighting accessory for about 2 months now and am showing no signs currently to replace its broken sister. Why you may ask? I’ll let you know why. Most of the excuses I have are in accordance with the fact that I have relocated my life so damn far away from what is all “known” that I haven’t been able to manage enough leverage from my busy schedule. This may in of itself be a viable excuse to the world, or even the person next to me, but I can not escape its glare.

It stares at me everyday a regular ritual of getting clothed for work or even every night the preparation for slumber is started. No matter the time of day, it sees me. What does this inanimate object do when it gleams into my shallow soul? It judges me. It judges every essence of my being, it peers into the depths of my unwillingness to take 5 minutes out of my day to take it to my car, open my trunk, ratchet the old light off and place the replacement where it truly belongs. Maybe it doesn’t have the vigor of Simon Cowell, or the sheer power of my grandparents’ objectivity, to bestow on my consciousness.

Because seriously this thing creeps the fuck out of me.

What makes this thing such a sentimental object? Perhaps it’s only the power I place in it, to control the inclination that it can judge or even think for itself. This manifestation I have placed in my replacement taillight almost frightens me. Though, let me lay a few things down before you judge.

I do not loose sleep over it…even though it is towering….over me.
I do not think it can speak to me…verbally (perhaps telepathically?)
I do not believe it to be possessed by anything of any kind.
I do not think that I am going to put it in my car any time soon.

If any of those stated items clear my sanity in your minds, then I have achieved my goal. This story was not meant to give you a window into my insidious contemplation of small objects controlling a person’s life, but merely aiding myself to a slower train of thought to drift into a kingdom of dreams.

Yes word press you were just used to slowly calm myself into becoming more agreeable with my impending doom.

Of slumber.

I want it to be known that even though my mother and I have our disagreements sometimes, she is my biggest role model. My mom is my biggest hero, I know if it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t be here today. My mom got pregnant with me at 16, and made the decision to have and keep me. I realize that it had to be an important and hard choice for her to make. I can’t imagine the thought of having to go threw high school pregnant, dealing with the ridicule and look from other kids. I would not be one that could get threw it. It would be enough of an inconvenience having a beach ball in your stomach, but having to be in school during it, you would have to be one strong women.

Lately being pregnant seems like the latest trend, at least in high school.  I have recently found out that two of my former really good friends are now expecting babies. A girl I went threw grade school with is now also having a son. One of my best friends growing up just had a little boy a few weeks ago. Also about 5 more girls in my grade are pregnant, not counting the 4 who already have children. Its shocking at how easy someones life can completely be reversed upside down. All of these girls are still in school; now they must choose between continuing their education, or taking what would seem to be the easy way out and drop out of school. One of my former friends who is expecting decided she was going to take the easy way out, I found out last night that she dropped out of school. Honestly I’m not sure if she’s actually going to make it, I know for a fact she’s never held a job before, and now she’s not even in school. In my opinion dropping out of school is a horrible mistake for a young parent to make. In order to get a good career to support you and your child, you need a good education. Even though I do not talk to this person anymore I wish her the best of luck. With the other girls’ decisions of staying in school, I have the most respect for them. Yes, the road for them will be hard, but its not impossible to do. My mother stayed in school while she was pregnant with me, and she continued after I was born until she graduated college.  My mom even went overseas and studied in Oxford, while she left me with my grandmother.

Having a kid while still attending high school, would not be something that I would like to experience. I’m sure the girls who are going threw this experience now, are wishing that they weren’t. The amount of girls that I know personally that are having kids, or already have had their kids in high school, just amazes me though. It blows my mind away knowing that any one of these girls could have easily fixed their “situation” with something I do not believe in, but none of these girls did. I know a few of the students in our school have received abortions, so they wouldn’t have to deal with a child.

I personally think that the girls who are strong enough to keep their babies and continue with school, are the ones that everyone should be helping and encouraging. I’ve heard my mother talk about when she was pregnant with me, how everyone started treating her different and not very many people where there to help and encourage her. She also told me about how a girl she knew got pregnant and decided to get an abortion, and how more people encouraged that girl in killing her baby then they encouraged my mother in keeping me.

I feel bad for everything my mom had to suffer threw to have me. She couldn’t date in high school, who wanted to date someone with a kid. She couldn’t go to her prom, or most school things for that matter.  And she had to go threw most of high school raising a kid.

So even though right now I’m not sure how to do it, someday hopefully I will be able to thank my mom for everything she had to do for me, and tell her how grateful I am to have a mother that would do that. And tell her I love her.

I just want to start this by saying, I think the world is a cruel unfair place to live.

Life is so unexpected, unpredictable, and unbelievable. Sometimes I can’t believe how cruel of a world we live in, and other times its breath taking how beautiful life can be. Today a young girl at my school was in a car accident.  I know car accidents happen everyday, but today’s misfortune was one for statistics. A teenage boy for LSE was speeding down the road in his vehicle at 75mph and t-boned Emily’s car. Emily died at the accident today because of some ignorant juvenile. I didn’t know Emily that well, but I know that she was a very kind girl. She was very committed to her passion, swimming, and she didn’t do anything bad. It’s eye-opening to see something so horrible happen to someone who does not deserve it to happen to them. The pain the family must be feeling is unimaginable. Just because she happened to be in the wrong spot at the wrong time. That’s all that is was today a person being in the wrong spot at the wrong time, it could have happened to anyone, but it happened to this young girl who had her whole life ahead of her. It could have been anyone; one of my friends, my family, or even me. I was traveling down that road today just only a little before the accident happened. Of course I didn’t expect anything bad to happen, and I was long gone before it did. The thought of that it could have been anyone, frightens me unbearably. I am endlessly sorry to the family and friends of Emily Johnson, she will be missed greatly.

RIP

I set out a few days ago on a mission to create a business card and a business website for one of my colleagues, Ricky.  He gave me a few pieces of basic information to be held on this piece of real estate, and so i set out.  It began as a simple research job on what was placed on others’ business cards, and just what exactly needed to be shown for it to look professional.  Personally I didn’t believe that i could achieve such a feat, my skills in graphic design are minuscule (at least to me) and this seemed like a very important message for my friend to be carrying and handing out to others.

Just look at what a business card is for.  It seems like the first link in a relationship between two people (or groups) that have a need to communicate with one another. Therefore a card needs to contain enough information that the receiver needs to be able to tell what; the persons name is, their profession and/or business field, and a small list of choose able but not necessarily dire pieces of information.  Also, in my opinion a card can’t be too clouded with design that it takes away from the first and foremost importance of conveying information.  This tool that is passed from one person to the next is a facade to the persons business life.  To me that is important.

I started with a lot of basic designs and found what should definitely be held by this card and ran with it.  Though at first not dealing anything with the finsih feal or scheme of the card, only focusing on the basic layout of the text and (then only) logo.

First Draft

Second Draft

After a few days of pondering and restless thought i reached a breaking point. If i was going to finish this god damned thing, it needed to be the way that everything that i have created was done. From a design standpoint, basically not looking at how the letters were placed FIRST but rather looking at making it stand out in a stack of other cards.

To begin with i found a few colors taht Ricky liked, and ended with blue. Made the blue color a gradient, then applied the picture of the Sony FX-1 camera (of which Ricky completes most of his work).  Lastly, i took all the text that i had spent countless hours rearranging and placed them on this new redisgned layout for the business card.

Finishing touches.

Showed the new design to Ricky.  He loves it.

I call that a success, now onto his website.

I began this week at the highest point I have ever started a week in my entire life.

Only now at this very moment I am at what you could call an awkward vantage point.  This being, because of a few factors, all boiling down to things that involved a different chapter in my life.  In the past I lived in an apartment complex called “Williamsburg Park Apartments” which was located in Lincoln, NE in a development respectfully named “Williamsburg.”  This place was my first apartment and very readily, until now, could have been the perfect renting experience.

Well with my hasty decision to GTFO of Lincoln and start my new life, I left a lease behind that I had with my brother.  This lease was signed from September 1^st 2008 for One year.  One thing lead to another (lost check, AHEM) and there had to be amends to figure out how to pay my bill that now resided 1400 miles away.  The solution that was reached was to pay my brother I now live near to send a check from his bank in Lincoln to my prior apartment complex so that all the bills would be paid.

This all was a perfect plan that clearly had no loop-holes at all.  As you might have suspected, it in fact did NOT work according to plan and the check has not yet been received.  So accordingly the landlord just was in contact with me yet again, being very angry of not having my funds for rent.  I responded just as I have many times before with the truth, the check is in the mail…its kind of odd knowing that it really is the truth but the trust just isn’t there.

Did I mention she went behind my back and contacted my grandparents, who were my co-signers…ah, the frustration.

I just keep telling myself all of this will work itself out, somehow it calms me…faintly.

A new band, with a new single.

PS…FreeCreditReport.com fucked me over and now my account that is in Lincoln that I cannot get to, is below zero.  I am being charged over draft for a scam.

What’s a girl to do.

Today was a day for new beginnings. Today as many days before, was the first day of a new school year. I woke up this morning thinking today was just another ordinary first day of school; I go to class, meet my teachers and class-mates, and go home. Nothing to serious, its only the first day. When I got to school this morning the vibe just felt different. I went to classes and met my teachers, but none of the feelings were how they should be. I didn’t despise my new teachers, I actually enjoyed being in their presence. My teachers are truly passionate about the arts their teaching, which makes being with them in class so much more enjoyable. The classes I’m enrolled in aren’t going to bore me out of my mind, I will be learning about things I am truly interested in.

Photography is one of the wonders that truly hits me at the heart. I love looking at beautiful photographs of scenery or people in the distance. Its something I’ve always loved and had a passion for. Today when i got to school my mind got blow away, I’m scheduled to take Photography! If you can only imagine how fast my thoughts started running with ideas of photos i want to develop. My only fear is, I won’t succeed. I am utterly afraid of the fact that my true passion for art, I will not be good at. Which this is a great possibility. I have never been the brightest crayon in the box when it has came to creativity and art work. Hopefully I am capable of exceeding expectations  and able to make the most of my privilege to be able to study something I adore so much.